For me the last few weeks overall have been a time of renewal of my faith, and drawing closer to my Lord. When all else fails we have him, and not only when all else fails, but always. This is the reason we believe, the reason for the hope that is within us.
This week I watched Anna and the King, I loved the book (have you read it?) and the old musical and all this time have been hesitant to watch the remake because, you know, they rarely live up to the original. Neither movie is even close to the book, and now I think all three must stand of works of their own. But there was a scene that touched my heart so much.
In this scene the king is seated on his throne and two subjects are kneeling below, pleading their case before him. He is listening intently when one of his young children come running into his the chamber and pushes through the two (barely noticing them), climbs up in her daddy’s lap – the king – and whispers her concern, her need, in his ear. The king immediately stands and takes action. And this is what our Heavenly Father tells us to do, to come boldly before his throne. “Let us therefore come boldly unto the throne of grace that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need.” Hebrew 4:16
I love that this verse comes immediately after we are reminded that Christ was tempted to sin as we are (although he did not sin), and so understands our struggles, our pain, our hurt, This call is given to those of us in the midst of the a struggle. HE is touched with our infirmity. Strong’s says that this means “the weakening influences of the illness or a particular problem, especially as someone becomes overly dependent.”
I have a confession…I am overly dependent on me. I’m smart, I’m capable, I’m a good mom, I’m a good employee, I’m a good singer, I’m a good writer…this list goes on. How do I know? People tell me….all the time. Does it give me a big head, an ego problem…no. Because I am trying to be good. To prove my worth, to prove I am valuable, to prove I am worth something, worth your time, worth your attention. Buried underneath my surface of this confident woman is little girl that is crying out for approval. I am like Sally Fields…I want to know that you like me, you really like me. I pretend that I don’t, but secretly I really do.
I grew up in a home where I was physically and sexually abused and emotionally neglected. I married into a marriage where I was verbally and sometimes physically abused and often emotionally neglected. I attended churches where I was sadly emotionally abused and neglected. Pastors who knew of my plight turned a blind eye and denied their role. Worse yet, they blamed me.
I have been attacked repeatedly by the malicious, who shockingly are known as believers in Christ. Others have been more subtle with their exaggerated gossip. They tore away at my name with negative perceptions; cast doubt on my character; repeated lies and half-truths. Others were used against me unknowingly. They are fed reasons to hate me, to hurt me, to ignore me, to aggrieve me. It’s an ongoing battle. But the fact is, I have been the secret keeper. Trying to bear the burden of it all myself. I try not to blame them, they aren’t the enemy. They are pawns. I tell myself they are ignorant, deceived. But it still hurts, it cuts me to the very core of my being.
I am not innocent. Not only have I kept the secret, but I have turned away in pain and rejected all that I know. I’ve become the prodigal, running from the pain – not to my Saviour – but away from him. Why? Why wouldn’t I run to the one who loves me most? Because I have struggled with unbelief. Not belief that He is Savior of all and loves all, but that he is the Saviour of me and loves me. Because I have come to view God as the cosmic bully that doesn’t want me to be happy. Because I am worthless. Because there is nothing valuable in me. Because, like the last person chosen on an elementary team, he has to take me because I am part of the world that he died for.
Over the last few months God has mercifully stripped away all my stuff that I use to prove to myself that I am good enough: my job, my home, my finances, my ‘friends,’ my frenemies, my enemies. I am in fact alone and I feel it. I am left with me…and God.
Kindly He has allowed me very few friends that will be honest with me, will hold a mirror to my face, will feed me the truth, will care for their weak and injured, soul sick friend. And now that God has my undivided attention, he is making me into the woman that he wants me to be. He has emptied out the ME, and is filling me with Him. Each morning I wake up with a song in my heart. Not the kind of happy-joy life is wonderful song it sounds like. But literally a song with a message God is working in my heart. Each day he gives me a verse to hold onto. And he is breaking the chains of the lies. The ones I’ve been told, and the ones I’ve told myself.
My circumstances have not changed, but I am ok with that. I am now ready for whatever He wants. I lay down my hopes, aspirations and dreams outside the palace. I have boldly run into his throne room and climbed up in my Daddy’s lap and whispered my need. He has stood and is taking action. I know that because he said he would. I have no idea what he is up to, and that’s good – Because if I did, I would probably try and help him out.
I know this. God loves ME. He would have come for just ME. I never believed that until now. I have always said that if we truly believe in heaven and we truly believe in hell, we would be the most horrible and cruel person if we do not share our faith. We are literally looking at people and letting them walk into an eternity of torture. How can we do that? We wouldn’t let someone walk into a forest fire knowingly, we wouldn’t let someone walk into a volcanic crater, we won’t even let someone touch a stove top and burn themselves without warning them. How could we let someone go to an eternal lake of fire without telling them. And then God showed me…what kind of God would He be if he let even one person go to hell when he could prevent it. Yes, I believe that if I were the only one, God would have given his son to die for me, just ME. I have struggled with that my entire life.
Thank God for lifting those scales from my eyes. I am not part of the collective; I am not along for the ride. I am important to God. ME. He has a plan or me. He has a purpose for me. There is much work to be done, but he is the master. He is creating me in His image, and His image is beautiful. His image is lovely and valuable.
I am writing this for those of you who are walking with me through this to tell you thank you and to let you know the work that is being done. I am writing this to those who think they know me to let them see below the surface. I am writing this because I know that there are more people like me, feeling rejected and hurt, and want so much for God to use me to touch their lives. If allowing you to see into my pain, my insecurities will draw you one step closer to Him, than I will gladly show you my wounds and ask you to bear witness to the work that Christ is doing in me, to give you hope.
Road To Rehoboth 